Homecoming is getting closer and closer. This day that I have been looking forward to since before he even deployed. The day I will finally have my husband back, and my girls will have their Daddy back. The daddy dolls can go back in the toy boxes, as the real thing will be back in our arms. No more empty bed, no more being mommy and daddy by myself, no more taking care of everything by myself. The love of my life, my true partner in every aspect of life, will finally be home.
And i am scared shitless. Excuse me for cussing, but any other word really doesn't justify these butterflies in my tummy. Butterflies even isn't a good description. How about SNAKES twisting around in there? yup, that sounds better! Of course I am thrilled beyond all words to have my husband coming home! but still...i cant shake these worries...
Sure, the little things make me nervous/anxious. Like, getting used to living together again, sharing the bed (which sux bc my husbands looooong legs take up SO much room!! grrr), dealing with this driving (i am SUCH a better driver than him, i swear!), having to get used to a higher grocery bill (lol), etc.
But the big things are what keep me up at night. Like the fact that the last time my husband saw me, I was 5 months pregnant. I stress about losing the rest of this baby weight and trying to look perfect when he gets home. I personally am very comfortable with the way i look. sure, i feel i can do better with weight loss, but if i didn't lose another pound i would still be happy. That is, i am happy until i remember that my husband will be home soon and hasn't seen the way i look yet.
At times i get frustrated with my daughter. Addison is almost 3 1/2 and testing her boundaries more and more each day. And most days, she gets on my last nerve. I love her to death but there are times i wish Chris was home so i can just shove her temper tantrum butt at him and let him deal with it. So i am so grateful to have his "backup" when he comes home...but not too ecstatic about co-parenting again. He is their father, so of course he is involved in all the big decisions about our daughter...but the day to day stuff? yea, that's ALL me! And i like it. I like being able to make a split second decision and not having to double check with someone else. That was hard to give up when he get back from deployment in 08 and i know it will be even harder to give up this time.
And now my biggest fear...I lay awake at night worrying about what it will be like when he meets Delilah. I cant even fathom what it has to be like for him, having a child that he has never met, and only seen pics of. She may only be 2 months old, but already he has missed so much. We tried for so long to get pregnant with Lilah, and he missed the most important moment of her life...when she was born and took her first breath. Tho, we were very blessed that he got to be on the phone to hear it all at least. For those who have seen Chris and Addison together, you can tell right off the bat that they have this incredible bond. From the moment she was born, she was a true daddy's girl. He was able to comfort her faster and more often that I was able to. For the first 4 months of her life, she slept on his chest, instead of in her crib lol. I was never jealous, bc it just made me fall in love with him more, seeing how much our little girl adored him. But now we have another little girl who has never met him. She doesn't know him, his voice, or his smell. I worry about how long it will take them to bond. I worry that i will expect too much of him and be disappointed. or expect too little and hurt his feelings. I worry i will feel a little jealousy, bc she has been all mine since the moment she was born, and i will have to share her.
so that is basically the point of this long rambling blog. sharing. Sharing kids, sharing a life, sharing insecurities, sharing responsibilities.
Like I said...Sharing isnt just for kids.